Cars Douchebags Love to Buy
In the automotive community, there is a limitless range of characters; from the urban cowboy polishing the 28” chromes on his body lifted Super Duty, to the heavily branded jort wearing middle aged Corvette guy. Within the car culture, it’s common to lightheartedly poke fun and tease each other for falling into these stereotypes, but one assortment that regularly falls short of being a pleasure to have around are the douchebags. There are certain vehicles that: at no fault of their own tend to attract more egocentric buyers than others.
The Low-Hanging Fruit
When you saw the title of this piece I am sure some of the obvious cars came to mind: Supercars, Mustangs, Giant pickups, the list is virtually limitless. Do some of these cars deserve the crown of “Douchebags Choice”; maybe so, yet the Mustang is a common punching bag in discussions of this kind, so why beat a dead horse? The owners of supercars may come off as arrogant sometimes, and are often featured in pop culture as insufferable snobs. Preserving the reputation of Ferrari, Lamborghini, and other six-figure autos in reality is the outstanding willingness to have pictures taken and even let children sit behind the wheel when spotted in the wild. Yes this probably-definitely strokes the ego, but anyone that uses a car to put a smile on a child’s face gets a pass. Giant HD ¾ ton pickups, though obnoxious when owned and driven primarily in well-developed suburbs, are more of a nuisance to share the road and parking lots with for their owners than everyone else. Parking across 5 spaces at Lowes is not such a douchebag move considering the spaces are remote, and not doing so would impede the flow of parking lot traffic. The cars that qualified for this list were selected because they are not the usual suspects, all the more reason why it’s important to bring to your attention. I don’t want you to get caught carpooling in rush hour traffic with some arrogant bastard because of a limited scope.
The father of all hybrid cars, is also the transportation of choice for premium coffee sippers with a superiority complex towards anyone that drives a less than “clean air” certified vehicle. For the 22 years it has been in production, the stylistically challenged Prius (Fight me!), has been the go-to mode of transportation of shoppers that believe a car is “just a car”. You won’t have to look hard to find examples of these high end econo-boxes in desperate need of a wash, sporting a variety of political/environmental awareness stickers, refusing to exceed 5 MPH under posted speed limits no matter how open the road may be. Douchebag Prius owners are better than you because they are saving the planet and would take the bus or train over driving a car if there weren’t so many scary people in mass transit…
Toyota GT86/ Subaru BRZ
This one stings a little because I do like these cars, but there is a growing population of douche owners’ bargain modifying and revving the piss out of these little buggies. Once the entry level sports car of choice for hardcore JDM enthusiasts, it seems the “ricer” crowd has started to get their hands on the looks faster than it is car of the century. To make up for its lack of straight line speed, the worst of the “86” owners can be found flooring it from every stoplight in town to create much more noise than speed thanks to their gutted catalytic converters, and straight pipe exhaust. Visual cues to look for are your typical performance stickers accompanying an absolutely tasteful Hentai window sticker (save some for the rest of us!!!), and of course vape clouds because is it even a Subaru if there are no vape clouds? You can spot a douchebag GT86 by their tone deaf exhaust brapping, tire chirping, jerky wheel attempt at drifting a right turn followed by burning more clutch than rubber around
For this example, it is important to clarify that we are talking about a specific trim level- the FWD 2.0 sedan. This car is top pick for the “Thirty Thousand Dollar Millionaire” in your office. Sharing a platform with the VW Passat, at base trim the A4 is a VW in a designer off the rack suit, but don’t tell their owners that! Frequently referring to their car as “My Audi…” or “The Audi…” these insufferable payday ballers will swear their marked up Passat is the pinnacle of German engineering. With an MSRP of over $12k more than its platform sharing cousin, the comparison side by side amounts to a no contest with measurements and power numbers that benefit both models. Expect plenty of Instagram posts with the Auto Union rings visible on the steering wheel, and of course if it’s a guy he is dressed as a discount Tony Stark a la Robert Downey Jr.
Tesla (Any Model)
Tesla owners… what can I say? This is probably the vehicle with the highest concentration of socially inept buyers. The price of these automobiles means that the douche behind the wheel has the means to amplify just how much of a douche they can be. Features like auto pilot, and the “Model X-mas show”, among an assortment of over a dozen Easter eggs are without doubt cool features to have on a car but in the hands of “that guy” they turn into weapons of insufferable annoyance. It didn’t take long for drivers to get spotted “resting their eyes” in traffic with their car on autopilot, even worse are the videos of idiots leaving the driver seat entirely while traveling at speed on a public road. We get it, it’s an electric car… owners love to remind you with their eye-roll inducing vanity plates: GAS-LOL, OIL-LOL, ZROPTRO, the list goes on and on… I guess you have to keep a sense of humor to deal with the range anxiety…
So does owning any of these cars make you an obnoxious tool? Absolutely not…
…these are vehicles that tend to amplify the objectionable behavior becoming of the guy no one invited. You probably read some of these descriptions and thought of someone you know, other cars that fit better, or maybe none of this sounds familiar. If it’s the latter… you may not be as admired by your peers as you think.